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Joke of the Day

"My best friend swore up and down that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments. Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant."

"""the names bond, james bond"" [5 min later] STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple"

"Why don't dead people sneeze? Because they're too busy coffin."

"I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown."

"What should you do if you see an epileptic having a seizure in a bathtub? Throw in a load of laundry, and soap"

"What's it called when you're using Tinder on the toilet? Swiping and wiping."

"This is blatant click bait... come on, turn this purple, I know you want to..."

"I accidentally hit my ex-girlfriend today going 85mph with my car on purpose."

"Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I'm not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That's just ridiculous"

"My hair is so long, it started growing it's own hair. Don't take that too seriously, it's metafollicle."