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Joke of the Day
"A lime and banana decided to become a stand-up comedy duo and called themselves ... Key and Peele."
Next Joke
"Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it just becomes a soap opera."
"I'm not that smart... and have no clue as to what any word means when it has more then two syllables. How will I ever shave?"
"Give a boy a fish, he eats for a day. Give Albert Fish a boy, he eats for a week."
"Police in Yorkshire have discovered a new method of taking Ecstasy, where users dab it into their mouths... E by gum"
"I'll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember."
"Q: Whats the difference between a 90s woman and a - computer? A: A 90s woman won't accept a three-and-a-half-inch floppy."
"Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal."
"[interview] HIM: have u ever bribed anyone? ME: *pulls a package of OREO's from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who's asking"
"A guy just came into this restaurant by himself, ordered a plate of olives, ate them, and left. If you see something, say something."