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Joke of the Day

"What does a teenage southern girl say while having sex? Get off me Daddy! You're crushing my cigarettes!"

"When you send food back to the kitchen, you're basically saying, ""Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."""

"News, just in: Truck Stolen! A lorry containing 150 pallets of Viagra was stolen last night. Police are searching the country for a gang of hardened criminals."

"You know why matter is fond of using the metric system? Because a lot of it is Pro-ton"

"MAGICIAN: think of a card! ME: ok. MAGICIAN: is... this ur card? [holds up card that says ""UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP""] ME: holy crap"

"Why is reddit so liberal? Because upvotes are to the left"

"What did 50 cent say to his grandma when he saw her knitting? ""Gee U Knit!"""

"The difference between my ""Maine lobster"" and my ""main lobster"" is boiling water or a high five."

"2 cars had a head-on collision in Mexico today.. 34 people died."

"Why was the hipster so successful in the stock market? He invested before it was cool."