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Joke of the Day

"I believe, if you're in Special Ed, and you're late to class... ...it's politically incorrect to say you're tardy."

"I just want to have a long enough career in show business so I can become eccentric and bring a goat to a meeting or some shit"

"CW: I like your scarf. Me: Thanks, it's a CVS receipt. I didn't know what else to do with it."

"I heard it said that one in every three people will cheat in a relationship. I just can't tell if it's my wife or my girlfriend."

"Whenever I see someone posting a picture with a celebrity, I comment: ""Who's that next to you?"""

"What do pirates do with their treasure in the winter? They BURy it"

"I found out the other day my sister was arrested for bestiality Well, just call me a monkey's uncle.... Credit to Stewart Francis"

"[last day at job] ""You've made my life a misery, I hate you all"" [remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift] ""Not you tho Phil"""

"I'll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I've felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower."

"Why were the people in the Twin Towers so upset about their pizza order? They ordered pepperoni but all they got was plane."