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Joke of the Day

"DEAR ENTIRE WORLD: LIGHTENING IS WHAT BLEACH DOES TO HAIR. LIGHTNING IS WHAT I'M GOING TO STRIKE YOU WITH FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST SPELLING."

"[math class] How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don't have feet? ""By crawling to the counter?"" GET OUT"

"What did the Pope say when a cougar crossed his path? Oh my gosh I almost Puma pants."

"What is a chiropractor's favorite movie? Thoracic Park"

"I haven't been able to find my girlfriend for months, but I'll never forget the last thing she told me... She said ""I don't give blowjobs."" To be honest I haven't looked that hard."

"What's the best thing about 12yr old girl in the shower Slick her hair back and she looks like an 11yr old boy"

"One Night Stand This furniture store keeps emailing me, all I wanted was one night stand!"

"My son has the worst altitude ever. He's defiant, rude and floating like six feet off the ground."

"I don't like going to funerals early in the day. I'm not much of a mourning person."

"Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I'll ask him; ""so how does my lack of progress make you feel?"""