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Joke of the Day

"Police arrested two kids yesterday. one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off."

"What do you call it when people want to have sex while camping? Intense intents in tents."

"If a cannibal kills me he better have the right kind of Zip-loc bags! If I get tossed out because of freezer burn I'm going to be pissed!"

"What did Carlos the fireman name his twin newborn sons? Jose and Hose B."

"Wife: You were right. Me: Say it again. Wife: You were right. Me: Again. Wife: You were right. Me: One more time. Wife: You wer- *wakes up*"

"[being murdered] Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher Murderer: ...yes Me: and you didnt empty it Murderer: [murder roles reverse]"

"What do you call a bird who never remembers song lyrics? A hummingbird"

"I didn't expect a bug to crawl out of my Meth stash... But it just came out of the blue."

"What did cinderella say when she got to the ball? *Choking Noises*"

"Political Satire If con is the opposite of pro, then what's the opposite of progress? Also, opposite of consitution."