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Joke of the Day

"Countries.. We used to have empires ruled by emperors. We used to have kingdoms ruled by kings. Now we have countries."

"""I love you"" can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to ""I got this round."""

"PSA: DON""T BUY A TURKEY FROM RALPHS We purchased one earlier this week and it shot down a Russian warplane :("

"Girls: just remember each morning when you put on makeup, somewhere in the world a clown is starting his day doing exactly the same thing."

"Cop: do u have anything illegal in the vehicle Me: *thinks about all the drugs in the car* no Cop: why did you just say asterisk thinks abo"

"Last night I got too drunk and sensibly took a bus home Pretty proud of myself...Never drove a bus before."

"How can you tell if your goose is depressed? It's feeling down."

"My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!"

"I've got my ion you, baby!"

"How does an international banker have a good Friday night? He goes to a bar and slips somebody a Rupee, then gives them a Franc and some Deutsche Marks."