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Joke of the Day

"Me: *sneaks out of the house* *drives to another state* *hides in a cave* *quietly opens a bag of chips* My kids: Can we have some?"

"That's one healthy flower bed you've got blooming in your backyard. How many bodies do you have buried there? -My attempts at small talk."

"Should I be worried? My son just filed the serial number off his squirt gun."

"What's white on the outside and black on the inside? An American police officer."

"CNN is running a spot called ""Why Tsumanis are Dangerous"". They should follow it with a spot on ""Why Journalism Is Dead""."

"""What the fuck is he doing?"" -first person to witness breakdancing"

"According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I'm so confused."

"Five years ago, I couldn't see the forest through the trees, but now I can. Thank goodness for loggers and strip malls!"

"What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH"

"Why wouldn't the vampire eat his soup? It clotted."