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Joke of the Day

"My newly married friend begins most sentences with, ""My husband said."" My go to response is, ""My dogs haven't said much today."""

"What do you call a high retarded person? A baked potato"

"911: Whats ur emergency? ""OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-"" 911: Ma'am, this is an emergency only service- ""-of my sons mouth."""

"""What? Why am I a part of this?"" - the horse you rode in on"

"Two things I hate: 1) People who form negative opinions of celebrities based only on what they see or hear on TV. 2) Justin Bieber."

"a guy with bdsm fetish plays COD whats his favorite mode? DOMINATION"

"What kind of house is easiest to pick up? A light house."

"I'm working on a script about a mobster who attempts to reinvent himself as a professional photographer. I'm gonna call it... *The Selfie Made Man.*"

"Cop: where ya headed? ""the gym"" Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you ""thank you so much, officer"""

"I'm a bit racist. I think F1 is much better than NASCAR."