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Joke of the Day

"My wife tells me she wants me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I'm thinking about getting her a treadmill."

"[At Neiman Marcus] *looks at sales clerk* *holds up a Prada and a Burberry briefcase* I don't know...which one will hold more chicken nuggets?"

"How many nuns would a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nunes? None."

"My girlfriend said I was too controlling ... and it wasn't her turn to speak."

"What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde? The mosquitos stops sucking after you fucking slap it"

"Rick Santorum is claiming that Mitt Romney and Ron Paul have teamed up against him... Which is kind of ironic that Santorum can be brought down by two men forming a civil union."

"I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I'd go to confession, I'd say ""Bless me, father, for I have sinned and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen."""

"What would you use to write down a description of the dump you just took? A No. 2 pencil."

"Ok doc, give it to me straight. ""It's cancer"" How bad? ""Really bad, you have 2 months."" OMG ""APRIL FOOLS!"" Whew- ""You have 2 days."""

"How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard. Edit 1: Why was my title and username changed?"