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Joke of the Day

"[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight [11:00pm] yay i did it! [11:01pm] *preheats oven*"

"Friend: Hey guess what? Me: What? Friend: No, guess! Me: I don't need this friendship that bad."

"Women never listen properly Wife: I lost my keys Man: Its in your jeans Wife: Dont drag my family into this."

"The first thing I'm doing with my time machine is telling my past self to only microwave popcorn for 2 minutes max."

"what's the best part about eating out your... nsfw ....grandma? you can suck her tits at the same time!"

"My first language is condescension. You wouldn't understand it."

"I used to be in a wheelchair.... But I kept getting pushed around. I thought this joke up at work where we deal with wheelchairs and thought I'd share."

"Teacher : What's happens to gold when it is exposed to the air ? Pupil : It's stolen !"

"Here's a joke! My social life!"

"Knock Knock, Who's there Jesus, Jesus who, You haven't heard the good word of the Lord, I have some wonderful pamphlets to show you to the ways of God"