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Joke of the Day

"It's nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates. It'd be even nicer if they'd stop bringing them back home."

"(NSFW) Let's have a bet Let's have a bet. When I grow up, I'm gonna be a good dad. If I am a good dad, you will give me a million pounds. If I'm not, I'll beat the shit out of my kids, deal?"

"It's sad that we live in a world where we'll add a word to the dictionary if stupid people use it enough."

"What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing? Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj. Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?"

"I cant find my large stir fry pan It's like it just gets up and Woks away"

"Valentine's Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I'm still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I'm not getting cheated on."

"""Did you sleep well?"" ""Like God during the Holocaust."""

"Thanks 'the news', but I get my political info from the Facebook posts of crazy relatives and people I haven't seen since high school."

"I Hate Being this Sexy, But Somebody Has To Do it."

"Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life."