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Joke of the Day

"Where can you find a turtle that has no legs? Exactly where you left it."

"I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups. And not ONE ab to show for it."

"My cat just told me to stop talking during the movie. Maybe homemade psychedelics were a bad idea"

"Judge: Your first marriage was terminated by death? A: Yes by death. Judge: And by whose death was it terminated?"

"I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs"

"What is the female equivalent of a sausage fest? A clam bake edit: You guys are ridiculous, thanks for the steady stream of laughs"

"What did Patrick Stewart say when he was given a tortoise for his birthday? Please, take it back. I don't like getting attached to animals. Especially when they only live 100 years."

"the best part about arguing with family make up sex"

"What question would confuse a transsexual who used to be a woman? ""Have you ever been abroad?"""

"I never said that I hated you! All I said is that I hope you have your period when the next Sharknado comes around."