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Joke of the Day

"The show Hoarders is like a snooze button for cleaning your house, ""My place isn't that bad, I can go another week"""

"I don't know where I stand on abortion. I like killing babies, but I don't like giving women a choice."

"I got stopped outside the pharmacy today, by a woman holding a clipboard. ""What products do you use for grooming?"" she asked me. Her face looked quite taken aback when I said, ""Facebook"""

"""Jesus honey, I don't know. How about a letter, a time of day, and something really Indian"" - M. Night Shyamalan's parents' naming process"

"Choose your own adventure: S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P Dad sees a soda? Moving a couch for dad? Obese girl with a vision problem?"

"Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down? One good turn deserves another."

"What are the odds of an anorexic girl joining the clergy? Slim to nun."

"Prognosis? Doctors are reporting that a man was admitted to the hospital last week and found to have at least a dozen plastic horses inserted in his rectum. His condition is ""stable""."

"My marriage is based on trust. And according to my wife's lawyers, that trust is based offshore."

"""You're beautiful. No, you're beautiful! No, No, you're Beautiful. No No No. You're beautiful."" -Girls on Facebook Profile Pictures"