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Joke of the Day

"Why can't Bernie Sanders win the election? Because 12 year olds can't vote. Edit: I'm actually somewhat of a Bernie supporter, I'm just joking about how he has a lot of youth backing him."

"I always hate going into my cousin's house. He vapes e-cigarettes constantly... ...so whenever I leave there, I end up smelling like an ashlesstray."

"[Walks into a bar] A forgetful women of three children walks into a bar, intensely focused on knitting a sweater for her eldest... Whoops, wrong thread."

"Find someone who will change your life, not just your relationship status."

"Knock, Knock Who's there? I eat mop. I eat mop who? EEEEWWWWWW."

"When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance."

"What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing? Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj. Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?"

"I wouldn't trust atoms if I were you. They make up everything."

"I invited Alan over for dinner. ""Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he's Captain America?"" *a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*"

"#liestoldbygirls I am an 18th century mahogany cabinet."