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Joke of the Day

"So I bought an elephant for my friend's room the other day. When I gave it to her, she said, ""Thanks."" And I said, ""Don't mention it!"""

"*pulls up to a red light with my windows down blasting NPR*"

"How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, it's already screwed in! heh. *chirp* *chirp*"

"The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it's from your wife, then you have 30 seconds."

"*runs into long lost friend* Him- I started out on the bottom now I'm a district MGR. what do you do? Me- I disappoint people"

"My diet always starts on a Monday morning and ends at the donuts somebody brings into the office later that morning."

"What tea do footballers drink? Penaltea!"

"That's it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I'm going to say ""no, I'm just sleeping around""."

"Pretty cool how money could literally solve all my problems."

"Ur hot plz marry me. *no reply* OH MY GOSH SORRY FOR THE POCKET TEXT LMAO"