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Joke of the Day

"[Border control] Officer: ""You're not American."" Me: ""Deep."" *Officer squints* M: ""Fried."" *squints harder* M: ""Guns."" ""Welcome back, Sir."""

"Always remember these 2 words in your life which will open many doors to you. Push and pull."

"What do you call two Egyptians who've farted at the same time? Tutankhamun."

"I'm a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me."

"I'd give these pigeons some bread but they'd probably just spend it on drugs."

"Got carded for a box of Nicorette. I guess they don't want you to quit using tobacco until you're over 18."

"I told the cop I was an upstanding citizen But I was really lying"

"This is just a temporary status...until I think of something better"

"When I get a dog I'm going to name it fart So I can yell ""COME FART!"" In public"

"Did you hear about the new condoms for frogs? They're rrrrribbet for her pleasure!"