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Joke of the Day

"You know how they say ""you are what you eat""? I don't remember eating a sexy beast this morning"

"I went to the Zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a Shitzu"

"Of course, ""The Situation"" isn't his real name. It's Theodore Situationson."

"When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes."

"I had a nosebleed all of the sudden in the kitchen Now how am I supposed to tell them that my wife fell on the knife?"

"[police interrogation] ""What do you do for a living?"" ""Drug dealer."" ""Louder, for the tape."" [leans in] ""Bug healer. I heal bugs."""

"What's yellow and black that makes you laugh? A bus full of niggers going over a cliff."

"So Samsung released a new knife! Its brand new cutting-edge technology"

"Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face. I teared up a little. I get strippers, I get it."

"What did Adele's chicken say? Hello from the other side..."