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Joke of the Day

"[under heavy sniper fire] Platoon leader: where's that sniper fire coming from? Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it"

"Why does Donald Trump have a foreign wife? Because some jobs American's just won't do."

"Did you hear about the woman who used a fake name and married a renown psychologist? She committed Frued. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week."

"""I'm not drunk, I'm a zombie..."" ~Me passing out candy on Halloween"

"My mind is made up... I'm Frankenstein."

"""Sorry I'm late"" Why are there scratches all over your face? ""Jujitsu training"" You can scratch in jujitsu? ""It's my cat's best move"""

"Why do we carve pumpkins for Halloween? Because they're less bloody."

"So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound.. Turns out she was just vacuuming."

"""You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need."""

"Him: You hang up first. Me: *click"