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Joke of the Day

"Me: You should be nicer to me. You'll never have another dad. 5-year-old: Don't be so sure. Mom is pretty."

"I found out I'm a necrophiliac. How, you ask? I walked into an autopsy. It was stiff."

"What animal has the tendency to be a half-ass A mule"

"What's the difference between an old Greyhound bus terminal and a lobster with 38 D breasts? One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean!"

"""Why do people get plastic surgery? Why can't you just admit that it's over? Stop trying to look fuckable in your 50's."" @MaleHonesty86"

"I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either"

"Why are proteins so cranky? Because they're made of a mean ol' acids."

"What great song is associated with hamburgers and baseball? 'Steak Me Out to the Ballgame'!"

"What do you call a virus that affects the command line? Terminal Illness"

"I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer."