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Joke of the Day

"Q3: What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? A: Try Sara's Tops"

"[arrives at sales meeting with giraffe I bought last month] ""Ok, did everyone bring a graph tracking your activity this month?"" ME: uh oh"

"Donald Trump's chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity."

"The worst kind of human contact is ""eye contact through that crack in a bathroom stall when you're pulling up your pants"" contact."

"Jesus was gay. He was nailed by 3 guys."

"How does Brutus eat his salad? With a knife and Caesar dressing."

"What do you call painful constipation? Excretiating pain"

"Driving I hate when I'm driving at a reasonable fucking speed and some asshole behind me is frantically trying to get around me. Oh you have to go put out a fire? We all have places to go buddy."

"I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we're all gonna die in 2012"

"This morning I... changed a lightbulb, then I walked across the street so I could walk into a bar, and then is suddenly realized: my life is a joke."