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Joke of the Day

"[arrives at sales meeting with giraffe I bought last month] ""Ok, did everyone bring a graph tracking your activity this month?"" ME: uh oh"

"Why is there no Asian Isaac Newton? He sat under the durian tree."

"That little dance your thumbs do when you don't know how to reply to someones text."

"We never knew he was a drunk... until he showed up to work sober."

"I'm 100% straight So straight I don't even like touching my own dick to masturbate. My friend Dave does it for me."

"As a parent I often wonder if there's anything I could've done differently to prevent the jealousy between my twins Lisa & Hog Face."

"I farted in church today..... I farted in church today and four people spun around in their seats and looked at me. I felt like I was on the Voice!"

"The shutter speed of the iPhone 6's camera is so high... ...it can take a pic of a woman with her mouth shut"

"Why do Russians always wear track suits? Because they are always RUSSIAN to places. thanks"

"A woman walks into a butcher and asks for a pound of kidleys The butcher says ""do you mean kidneys?"" She answers ""that's what's I said diddly I"""