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Joke of the Day

"[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral] alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow."

"Just got a belly piercing. It's a mistletoe, I don't want any confusion on where I want your lips this Christmas."

"Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don't even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real."

"A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy walk into a bar Bartender looks up and says ""get the fuck out of here"""

"Why did the T-Rex fail his business project? He couldn't make hands meet."

"My love life. ..."

"Q: How many Vietnam Vets does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: YOU DON'T KNOW, MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!!! YOU DON'T KNOW!!!"

"Had a 6"" sammich from subway today, and it totally didn't fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I'm so, so sorry."

"what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom"

"How can you mend King Kong's arm if he's twisted it? With a monkey wrench."