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Joke of the Day

"Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don't even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real."

"I can't believe I got fired from my job at the DNA testing facility. After all the blood, sweat, and tears I put in."

"What do you call a bunch of skinny people stretching in the snow? Low-fat frozen yoga"

"I tried to become a proctologist but it was a real pain in the ass."

"My girlfriend's extremely flexible, which comes in handy for sex. I say, ""when do you wanna have sex?"" and she replies ""I'm free whenever""."

"If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler's hand."

"*gently places finger on caroler's lips* you had me at ""O come"""

"When somebody sends me a ""k"" text, I assume they forgot the rest of ""fuc_ you"", so I make sure to correct them."

"What do you call a mother who is overweight and poor? Beef on WIC"

"How do you kill 15 flies at once? Slap an African child in the face."