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Joke of the Day

"It's a bird! It's a plane- -OH SHIT A PLANE IS COMING TOWARDS THE BUILDING"

"Asked my Ouija board if I was getting laid tonight & the pointer keeps gliding back & forth between the H & the A. It's been over an hour."

"What do you call a man who can't stand? Neal"

"Media, stop using the phrase 'breaking news'. It's been broken for some time now."

"*comes into work with black eye* oh please I'm fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into"

"How do you upset a plumber? Kidnap his princess."

"Last night, I had dinner at one of those illicit restaurants where you can dine on endangered species. I left there full of egret."

"A farmer counted up all of his cows and found that he had 196 of them But when he rounded them up he had 200"

"My wife told me not to say anything about her friend's lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one."

"POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR! What's the magic word? [Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]"