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Joke of the Day

"What did the Hawaiian terrorists say when they blew up a restaurant? ALOHA SNACKBAR"

"I'm starting a support group for people who think they are mortgages. The most important thing is for them to realize that they are not a loan."

"Where do astronauts leave their spaceships? At parking meteors."

"When you go to a cannibal restaurant, always bring a friend to have for dinner."

"I'm glad you all tweeted mean stuff at me because I've changed my mind. On everything! Congrats! You did it!"

"I had lunch at Uri Geller's house the other day... It was terrible. I ended up with soup all down my front."

"Dracula & Frankenstein are in the heavyweight championship. Who wins? Dracula. Frankenstein went down for the count."

"My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I'd have to stay away from carbs So I've been using this insanely long straw to drink beer"

"This BMI chart is telling me I'm too short. What should I do? Should I eat more?"

"Why don't kleptomaniacs understand puns? They always take things literally."