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Joke of the Day

"Saturday in my 20's: ""Nice, this club is hot! gimme a Vodka tonic!"" Tonight: ""Nice, grocery store is empty, ooh I got coupon for that !!"""

"If you're looking for someone to tell you what to do in the bedroom I'm pretty good at instructing on how to install window blinds."

"One of the anchors on CBS Sports just referred to smoking weed as ""toking salad"" and from that alone I'll bet my life savings he's a dad"

"Did you hear about the circus fire?.. People said it was intense.."

"What does a beef patty have in common with a blowjob? Both are better between 2 buns"

"Half of Chinese men have cataracts... The other half drive Lincolns."

"Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs"

"A man is buying an apple, a banana, and two eggs. The female cashier says: ""You must be single."" The man answers: ""Wow, how did you know?"" Cashier: ""Because you're ugly."""

"Netflix: we are the top online streaming service. Best in the world. Me: can I rewind 10 seconds without ruining everything? Netflix: no"

"Friend: just make small talk *later, on date* Me: so...grains of sand Her: uh yea- Me: dwarves Her: are u okay- Me: bottle caps"