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Joke of the Day

"Your ex asking if you can still be friends is like kidnappers saying ""keep in touch"" after they let you go."

"GUY POSING FOR THE SCREAM PAINTING: Are you done? Let me see EDVARD MUNCH: You look great GUY: Let me see EDVARD MUNCH: No"

"It's kinda bullshit that carpenter ants can't even build IKEA furniture."

"Jeb says hes good at fixing things and I don't doubt him... People who voted in Florida during the 2000 presidential election know what I'm *talkin* about."

"Why aren't digital images of Bob Marley scalable? Because they're all rasta graphics."

"Girl, are you a jar in my parents' fridge? Because I have absolutely no way of knowing how old you are."

"How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke-her-face!"

"Grooming tip: Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not."

"I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone's house on fire. Either way, I'm prepared."

"My friend started calling the toilet the Jim instead of the John He said it sounds better when he tell people he goes to the Jim everyday."