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Joke of the Day

"Hey lady, did you know I'm a Pokemon? Because I Pikachu while you sleep."

"What's the difference between Texas and stupid? Nothing."

"Sometimes you feel like you've grown. Other times you pout for a few hours because your wife accidentally threw away your Tabasco sauce."

"With Parkinsons... Every weight is shake weight!"

"[magic show] MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card... ME: Your VISA card MAGICIAN: God dammit!"

"What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage."

"""yes I'm very good in bed"" *folds blanket and neatly props up pillow* *pillow falls over* ""Oh no, this doesn't normally happen I swear"""

"""I'm going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt"" -Men over 50."

"Whenever I hear about a kid getting in trouble with drugs, I like to tell him this story."

"Is there anything sexier than a woman who reads? Yes: Models."