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Joke of the Day

"I just want to be rich enough to say ""that won't be necessary"" when the police go to handcuff me"

"My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65.... Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is"

"What does the NFL season and the national anthem have in common? Kaepernick is gonna sit through them both."

"Where's the best place to apologise to someone? Surrey."

"A Cheerio just fell out of my bra, and suddenly I realize food gets more action than I do."

"Hot damn, you see this shit honey? The knife on TV just sliced a tomato after cutting drywall. I guess my plan isnt as stupid as you thought"

"[millipede preschool] head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes..."

"I saw a rabbi blessing food while golfing. I mentioned that it seemed strange, but he told me it's parve for the course."

"Why did the skeleton cross the road? He had a bone to pick with his neighbour."

"Phil Spector's brother I met Phil Spector's brother Crispin the other day. He's head of quality control at Walkers."