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Joke of the Day

"Basically if your movie trailer features a close-up of a glass of rippling water I'm assuming that your movie will have dinosaurs."

"After having sex in a sea... All i can say is that it went swimmingly... I'll^take^my^leave^now..."

"My friend asked me what superpower I wanted I said cold war Russia"

"What do you give a sick bird? Tweetment."

"Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday 'cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership."

"I only date Patriots fans Because they don't care if I cheat"

"Hey UK! You're looking great! Have you lost a few pounds?"

"The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken"

"You can't fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it."

"Girl are you a prescription from my doctor 'cause you might be good for me but I can't read you at all."