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Joke of the Day

"I don't ""take"" weed because weed ""took"" my best friend & trapeze partner Corton from me when we were 17. #ImissYouBrother #SwingWithJesus"

"Why is dog man's best friend? They keep the mailman away from his wife"

"How long does it take to drive across France? 3 days by panzer"

"I like my mashed potatoes like I like my babies smothered - thought of this while making dinner and discussing having children with my fiance... I don't think I'm ready for kids"

"What is hard, long, and full of seamen? A submarine"

"No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat."

"Why was the archeologist depressed? because his career was in ruins"

"What color was the Dallas shooters eyes? Blue. One blue this way and one blue that way."

"Christmas Jokes (I know it's a bit late) Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naught girls live! What's the difference between snowmen and snow women? Snow balls"

"[at the pet store] Me: I'd like a baby lizard please [later at home] Me: isn't he cute? Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor"