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Joke of the Day

"My kids are so aware that I'm a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry."

"So I've been dating this anorexic girl... ...but lately I've been seeing less and less of her."

"PRO TIP- Always watch your step on an escalator. I once tripped and fell down the stairs for an hour and a half"

"Did you hear about the new emo website? www.emo.com/wrists"

"Where do Bees use the bathroom? At the BP station. (thanks grandma)"

"Why do you get arrested for walking into an army base unauthorised in the USA? Because Obama doesn't like anyone sneaking in his barracks."

"""Your finest Scotch, please."" ""Yes, sir,"" the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape."

"What would I do if Future tried talking to me? I'd autotune him out. :)"

"Q: Do ghouls eat popcorn with their fingers? A: No, they eat their fingers separately."

"[blind date] Her: I was so scared you'd be a weirdo Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU"