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Joke of the Day

"I just pretended to be on my phone in the elevator and then my phone rang. I'm going to close up shop emotionally for the day"

"A drunk driver crashed into a school bus full of kids the other day, but it's ok. All the injuries were minor."

"Why is the Martian on DVD So you can Bring him Home"

"I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says ""Buy Nerf guns and candy"", but the adult in me says ""Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy"""

"Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool? 3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree. Me: ok."

"""Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight"" - The Swiss Army"

"How can you spot a blind guy at a nudist colony? It's not hard."

"LION: Lions don't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep. SHEEP: Shaun thinks your mane looks ridiculous. LION: *upset* Shaun said that?"

"[Date] Him: I don't trust myself around you Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom"

"A guy travelling [sic] with his parrot... http://i.imgur.com/rTeps.jpg"