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Joke of the Day

"Got a phone call today to do a stand up gig at a fire station... ... Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax."

"ME:*lying*omg i have an identical twin too DATE:wow we should all meet up [cut to us at a house of mirrors] DATE: your brother is quiet"

"A piece of toast and an egg walk in to a bar.... The bartender goes, ""Hey! Woah! Nuh uh. We don't service breakfast here!"""

"Whats the last thing that goes thru a bug's mind when it hits the windshield? Its ass."

"A mafia nursery rhyme the cat goes meow. the cow goes moo! The dog goes woof, and that fucking stool pigeon Anthony better shut up before I have him take his final fucking bow."

"why did the cheese stick hate football? because he wasn't first string!"

"2 Chefs decide to make a Mexican themed dinner for their Anniversary... Chef 1 turns to Chef 2 and utters, ""you and I will make passionate shit together"""

"As a young boy my mom would always tuck me in at night She always wanted a girl."

"My annual performance review says I lack ""passion & intensity"", guess management hasn't seen me alone with a Big Mac."

"Why do seagulls only fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they'd be called Baygulls."