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Joke of the Day

"HOBBIES INCLUDE: - Whispering dark secrets to animals - Trying to get a strawberry seed out of my teeth - Being vegan, but also eating steak"

"I always type ""please"" at the end of my Google searches because I'm not an asshole."

"don't feel too bad for people with chronic amnesia. they can watch Breaking Bad for the first time over and over."

"What's the worst part of giving a magician a ride home? When you get there, you turn into the driveway. Ba-dum-bum! Don't forget to tip your waitress!"

"The waiter asked if I wanted any salt for my steak... I told him to pepper my angus ;)"

"American nuclear response time is around four minutes. But eight minutes if you are using a cigar on a naked intern."

"It blows my mind that people walk around acting like Steve Harvey won't jump out from behind a bush at any moment & murder them."

"my favourite position is 68 you do me, and i'll owe you one."

"I am allergic to fire Everytime I touch it I get burned"

"When I make you breakfast in bed, the least you can say is thank you. I mean what's with all this ""how did you get in my house"" nonsense?"