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Joke of the Day

"No thanks, Winter Olympics. If I wanted to see a bunch of white people playing in the snow, I'd hop on over to Facebook."

"Which plant talks the most crap? Shiitake mushrooms."

"What type pf culture is most peaceful and never gets angry? Nomads!"

"[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out] Dammit [bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out] DAMMIT"

"I cry at the end of sandwiches."

"The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself ""This changes everything."""

"ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I'm delusional UBER DRIVER: I didn't say anything"

"Did you hear about the stupid woodworm? He was found in a brick."

"Q: Why did the old lady put wheels on her rocking chair? A: She wanted to rock and roll"

"Everyone in LA is so hot and I am so not that when I walk into places they think I'm a dog and they give me treats & water never been better"