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Joke of the Day

"There's a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle."

"Conserve energy. How would you feel if someone turned you on and left?"

"I'm going to hire a Priest, a Doctor and a Rabbi to walk into a bar together just to see WTF happens. Backup Plan: I'll also bring a horse."

"What is the similarity between Election and Erection? The words election and erection are spelled similarly. They both have the same meaning too: a dick rising to power."

"I just saw an 8 year old hipster. Your move, apocalypse."

"So I just found out those stick figures on the back of cars are not to keep track of how many pedestrians you've hit,i will be removing mine"

"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? A hippo weighs a ton while a zippo is a little lighter."

"What happens when you hit a Jewish guy? Hebrewses"

"Literal People Anonymous Welcome to Literal People Anonymous, would everyone please take a seat. NO, WAIT! BRING THOSE CHAIRS BACK!"

"I just went to the bathroom without my phone. I had to read shampoo bottles like it was 1999."