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Joke of the Day

"*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye's doorstep*"

"I want to name my next pet Peeve."

"What do vampire footballers have at half-time? Blood oranges."

"The frustration I feel untangling my earbuds before I use them never translates into me putting them away neatly when I'm done."

"If you have that loud keyboard clicking sound enabled on your iPhone, give me your phone. You don't get a phone."

"I will climb the highest mountain. Swim the deepest sea. I will cross the desert land. I would do anything to get the fcuk away from you."

"Therapist: what's your biggest issue with your husband? Wife: he gives me no privacy Me: [tapping on window from outside] that's not true"

"Would an unfulfilled beer ad bikini model... be known as a sadder Budweiser girl?"

"I walked into a male underwear store for a quick second. I had a brief encounter."

"I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, ""Ha! I didn't amount to anything! In your face!"""