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Joke of the Day

"I walked into a male underwear store for a quick second. I had a brief encounter."

"""Damn girl are you a dam, girl? Cuz your water just broke haha"" yes we will go to the hospital in a minute honey, jesus christ im tweeting"

"BUILDING INSPECTOR: what's this called DARTH VADER: the death [inspector's eyes look up from his clipboard] DARTH VADER: uh the health star"

"I'm sorry, Black Lives Matter is actually a peaceful and forward thinking movement that our society needs... Now if you could all stop sending me death threats on twitter that would be great."

"When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours."

"What is the horror movie Quija rated? Quija-13"

"Lance Armstrong flew to NY yesterday to fight the allegations of doping. ... would have been more convincing if he'd taken a plane, though."

"It's way too early in the day for you to be yelling at me, repeating your demands, and making me follow you around, girl. It's over, Dora."

"Marriage and happiness. Two friends meet on the street. ""Heard you got married, you must be so happy."" ""Yes, I must"""

"""Blown out of all proportion"" ... .. is a cliche you don't see every day of the week."