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Joke of the Day

"You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I: a) Walk through a spider web? b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap? c) Try to use Scotch tape?"

"What do scientists and vegetables have in common? Stephen Hawking"

"I used to date a girl with a lazy eye... But I found out she was seeing someone else on the side."

"Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be."

"I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat."

"I'm getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I've got Norton but."

"The longer a Facebook photo of someone's kid goes unliked, the stronger I become."

"What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? See ya next month."

"Damn girl are you my dad? Because you're not there"

"You can extend the olive branch.. but you can't beat them over the head with it"