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Joke of the Day

"IamA personal executive assistant answering questions on behalf of former Toronto mayor, Rob Ford, AMA! Whoops, wrong *sub.* [The Payoff](http://wompwompwomp.com/)"

"When you ""assume"" you make an ""ass"" out of ""Ume,"" my Hawaiian buddy, who hates assumptions."

"To drown in a swamp would be a quite symmetrical way to kick the bucket ... Your life began when you were pushed out of a slimy hole, now it ends while you're getting sucked into one."

"What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stops at 3 hoes"

"She asked me for breakfast in bed... I said ""maybe you should swallow next time."""

"How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb? None. In Russia, light bulb changes you."

"What kind of dog can jump higher than a building? Any kind, buildings can't jump."

"My new girlfriend just gave me her number i"

"How does Harry Potter like his sandwiches to be cut ? Diagon alley"

"TIL Socrates' last words. ""I drank WHAT?!"""