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Joke of the Day

"By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before. I hope it was worth it."

"When you're alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what's up."

"I haven't spoken to my wife in three weeks. She told me not to interrupt her."

"I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH'S LIKE 3 DAYS"

"Hey, college students: It gets debtor."

"Did you know Joe Montana and his brother have more super bowl wins than the Manning brothers? And Joe Montana doesn't even have a brother!"

"I was going to make a Pokemon joke But I decided Natu"

"100 million years ago there were no creationists."

"Listen up: I wear the pants in this family. They're a lovely taffeta with a subtle flare to draw attention to my lace-up sandals."

"I drink my alcohol responsibly...spilling is not an option"