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Joke of the Day

"I'd make a political joke but it would just end up being elected."

"I burnt 1200 calories today! I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven."

"""even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN'T kill."" - my first and last day as a defense attorney"

"If April showers bring Mayflowers, what do Mayflowers bring? Pilgrims"

"A video montage of all the times my foot, still wet from the shower, has clung to my underwear as I pull them on, and I've lost my balance."

"Why aren't these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don't they want to get better?"

"I always take a condom with me on a night out. Unfortunately, it is always the same one..."

"There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Banjo Barbie ...complete with straw hat and Earl Scruggs cassette"

"Joined our neighborhood watch program. There's 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. :("

"What do you call a religious pediatrician? A pedotrician."