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Joke of the Day

"This whole time I thought 50 Shades of Grey was a coloring book for dogs"

"What do you call a Russian Duke who makes butter the old fashioned way? A churn-noble!"

"If you build a person a fire, they'll be warm for a day. Set them on fire & they'll never worry about being warm again."

"Shouldn't you pet him first? Two guys are in a park and see a dog licking it's nuts. First Guy: ""Damn I wish I could do that"" Second Guy: ""Shouldn't you pet him first?"""

"How can you judge how good the orgasm was? From the amount of time it takes you to press Alt-F4 afterwards."

"My wife and I moved to a new house. It's the only place I've lived where I can tolerate the neighbours. It's next to a cemetery."

"Did you hear about the blonde who froze to death at the drive in theater? She went to see Closed for the winter."

"I'm not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won't make eye contact with me."

"WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same"

"Quizzes...... If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?"