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Joke of the Day

"The other day, a wizard offered to turn me into a cat. The suggestion gave me pause."

"99% of my socks are single and you don't see them crying about it."

"""Oh my god!"" responded the mother as she heard the news. ""Will my son be an alkyne forever?"" ""It's even worse,"" the doctor said, ""he's terminal."""

"Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still."

"You know why when geese fly in a V, one side of the V is longer than the other? More geese on that side."

"Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain't taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain't taught in church."

"What's the difference between Santa Claus and Harry Potter? Santa would never free an elf."

"The power going out for 15 minutes is enough to crush any fantasy I have about surviving a zombie apocalypse."

"[NSFW] My favorite sex position is the JFK I splatter all over her, as she screams and tries to get out of the car."

"It's called a runway. But you taxi there. In a plane. Go home English, you're drunk."