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Joke of the Day

"I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help. I told her I don't have the money to hire a hitman."

"My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, ""all over."""

"What kind of weed do reptiles smoke? Mariguana."

"English is hard to understand It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though."

"is thinking that with their track record, buying condoms at a BP station is just taking too big a risk!"

"Why does the graveyard have fences? Because people were dying to get in!"

"A bank is a place that will lend you money... if you can prove that you don't need it."

"""Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.."" Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?"

"My girlfriend said I should work on my foreplay. But now I'm at the range she won't stop phoning me."

"What do you call it when you lobotomize a bunch of terrorists? Simplifiying Radicals. (MATH joke)"