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Joke of the Day

"centipede: *trips* *but for like, an hour*"

"Father: What did you learn in school today ? Son: That three and three are seven. Father: Three and three are six ! Son: I guess I didn't learn anything today then !"

"It's important to set goals. You don't have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them."

"How does raw chicken taste? Fowl"

"Tip for teens: If you're buying booze with a fake ID, the easiest way to seem legitimately older is to wear a wedding ring"

"Did you guys hear about how Mattel took back all those Terminator action figures? It was a *Total Recall*"

"Anyone looking for a job should consider becoming an elephant circumsiser... ... the pay isn't too great, but the tips are enormous!"

"Did you hear about the new viking movie staring the guy who played Han Solo? It's called Harrison's Fjord"

"A vagina is like a warm toilet seat on a cold day It's nice, but you can't help but wonder who was there before you."

"Coffee is a miracle. Perhaps the only miracle. Does that sound crazy? I've had a lot of the miracle this morning. My eyes are shaking."