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Joke of the Day

"""Brian did you remove some of the thread from your shirt logo?"" Me: [clearly enjoying people calling me the Hug Boss] what? No probably not"

"Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate"

"Me: What sound do dogs make? 3-year-old: Woof woof. Me: Horses? 3: Neigh. Me: Pigs? 3: Sizzle sizzle. Somebody understands bacon."

"Why did the Muslim cross the road? I said to my self as I floored the accelerator. Although I guess he did get to the other side."

"The next time someone tells me they feel like a million bucks I'm going to try to deposit them into my checking account."

"I added Paul Walker on xbox the other day... Too bad he spends all his time on the dashboard. *Courtesy of my cousin*"

"Why is one floor taller than the rest of the floors in the building? It's a long story."

"Want to take a look at my benefit package?"

"I don't do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs"

"So here I am in the Internet Cafe... ... with the angriest, ugliest bastard I've ever seen reading every word I ty"