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Joke of the Day

"[3 AM] 5yo: *sobbing* Daddy Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what's wrong? 5yo: I'm lonely... Me: Then, don't ever get married. 5yo: Ok, Daddy."

"Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them."

"Women freeze their eggs until they are ready to be a mom? Can I freeze my two year old until I'm ready?"

"How do you think the unthinkable? With an ithberg!"

"Why is hockey a girls sport? Because it has periods"

"Where does a black Jew stand? At the *back* of the gas chamber."

"What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff"

"What's the difference between a whore and a truck? The truck can only take the load from behind where as the whore can take it from anywhere."

"I'm volunteering at the tempura house tonight. It's a shelter for lightly battered women."

"Just told a coworker ""I ain't scerd, lil' bitch."" and threw my stapler. I blame the hardcore rap."